- Don’t be over anxious to do the “deed”. Once we understand one another that sex will be the donation method then we can talk about other more practical things. The key is to answer her questions and not try to manipulate her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do. I’ve had women suddenly get anxious about using NI. If that happens I steer them to some AI donors I know, as I won’t even try to change their mind. For them to want to use NI with me as a donor, they have to want it 100%. I won’t try to talk them into anything they don’t want to do.
- Talk…talk…talk…and more talking is the key. Whether you talk in person, by phone, or even email, it’s important to talk and get to know one another. And you can talk about other things besides baby things. The key is to build trust with the woman.
- Try meeting the woman in person well before you plan any donations. Sometimes you can meet a person and take an instant dislike to them, but you didn’t have these feelings while talking to them on the phone. If either of you meet in person and alarm bells go off, listen to them and walk away.
- Contracts can make either party feel better about things, but if a baby is conceived via sexual intercourse, the courts generally don’t recognize this as a sperm donor situation and will act accordingly if the case ever reaches the judicious system. And if a woman ever goes onto welfare, the state itself will often go after the father regardless of whatever contract was signed by either parties.
- During initial meetings, you should also discuss what sort of medical screening will be required. I will do whatever the woman wants me to do (bare minimum is an STD test). I don’t mind taking further screening tests(within reason) if it will put the woman’s mind to rest.
- If the woman is married, then I have to talk with the husband either in person or by phone. I want to make sure that he is on board with what is going to happen. We don’t have to have a long talk, but basically I just want to make sure he knows what is being planned and if he agrees to it. After all, any child born is going to be assumed to be his, and if he isn’t happy about how conception will take place then this could explode in my face in the future.
- If the woman is married, I prefer that there be some sort of rules laid out by both of them on how the encounter will take place. Most tend to have rules such as no kissing on the lips, no oral, and just enough foreplay to get the wife ready for intercourse. While I certainly don’t imagine myself making passionate love to another man’s wife in order to get her pregnant, in a way I’m doing just that (minus the passionate stuff perhaps). It’s already going to be hard on the husband letting another man take his wife to bed an do what he can’t by getting her pregnant. Why make it harder on him? That’s why if at all possible I want him to lay down the rules to follow, and believe me I won’t deviate from them.
- For single women with no attachments, it’s much easier and I will often try and make our meetings sort of like a first date. I will often take her out to eat somewhere casually so we can talk. Yes, we do talk about rules, but most tell me they just want to enjoy themselves and be relaxed while doing it. That generally means that when we meet it will be treated as sort of a first date that ends in sex. I try to make it slow, relaxing, and enjoyable for us both. No, I’m not some sort of sex god, but I understand the importance of taking things slow and relaxing the woman before we get to the business at hand.
- Once I agree to help, I am there for the long run. In our initial meetings I find out how many times they want to meet per month. If they are unsure I recommend two or three days in a row during the peak days of their fertility. It helps if the woman has been keeping track of her menstrual cycle and is fairly sure of when she will ovulate. If she has that information and can predict her ovulation days in the coming months, I can rearrange my schedule to make sure that I will be able to donate to her. Nothing is more frustrating to a woman to be ovulating and have her donor bail out on her or not make it for some reason. Half the battle for the woman is getting the donor to her home on time.
- I always assure the woman that once she is pregnant that I have no interest in co-parenting or being a part of her child’s life. If she is married, most tell me they will be putting the husband’s name on the birth certificate. The only thing I ask is to be told if the woman gets pregnant and the outcome (a healthy girl or boy I hope). After that, they won’t hear from me again.