As most know, I’ve retired as a donor due to a relationship that I’m in that started out when she contacted me for an NI donation several month back. It’s a long story of how our romance progressed from a rather shaky beginning to what we’ve become today. Anyway, at 39, she is very close to the edge of her fertility life and needless to say, is getting desperate. Though we’ve only been trying for four months, she was in tears the other day when her period started.
She made an appointment to see a fertility doctor in a few weeks and I will be going with her. Though I’m pretty sure that I’m fertile (I’ve been donating for a few years and have many successes), I will of course go through any tests the doctor might want from me.
Anyway, the point of this post is to say that though I’ve seen the pain of women wanting children and are having issues conceiving, it’s a different thing when one experiences it so close. It also has given me an appreciation of why a woman would chose to use such a radical and controversial method of conceiving a child: Natural Insemination (NI).
To boil it all down, some women don’t want to spend time studying various methods of artificial insemination, nor buying equipment, or having to learn how to use it. Basically, some woman just want to get on with the business of having a baby the quickest and fastest means possible, which, to be truthful, is good old fashioned sex.
The pain of not having children can be unbearable for some. For the guys reading this posting it’s sometimes hard to understand how deep this pain can run. Men aren’t naturally maternal and don’t understand how not having children can hurt a woman. Most of the husbands I’ve talked to concerning their wives bareness confess that it’s not the idea of never having children that hurts them, it’s seeing their spouses so deeply hurt by something that they can’t seem to fix. A man likes to fix things; however, when it turns out that it’s the man who is the problem when he is infertile then that’s a double whammy on his ego. That is probably the single reason why many husbands will allow their wives to use another man to give them the baby they so crave, even if it means they sleep together. The desire to stop the pain is that great.
In chatting with women with infertile husbands on various social media sites, I can almost feel their deep longing for children oozing from their mournful words to me. It’s especially painful when the woman is with an infertile partner due to a self-inflicted vasectomy that he underwent in a previous relationship. Most admit to me that though they accepted this at first, as they approach their fertility terminal date, some have a change of heart and suddenly want a baby. Vasectomy reversal is very expensive, and most insurance plans don’t cover the procedure. Also, it’s not always successful. The only options most have left is an even more expensive IVF or artificial insemination using semen from a sperm bank. Even artificial insemination is very expensive as again, most insurance companies don’t pay for the very expensive series of shots necessary before the insemination at the doctor’s office. Rarely does it work the first, second, or even third time.
However, most husbands would gladly spend the money if it guaranteed a baby at the end. Unfortunately, that generally isn’t the case, so the prospect of spending their life savings for a shot at having a baby, but not a sure shot, isn’t very appealing to the practical minded.
That’s were Natural Insemination comes in.
Very rarely do women start out thinking that sex with a donor is an option; rather, it evolves over time. Most will first consider self-administered artificial insemination, which can be just as effective as intercourse if done correctly. But the problem is that it does involve a learning curb because you must figure out how to use the syringe or other medical device in order to get the sperm into your body. Furthermore, there is the freshness of the sperm to consider as you have only minutes to get the semen into your body once the man ejaculates into the cups. Using frozen sperm is another factor that takes some knowledge on how to use it correctly. Though frozen sperm is often used, the most effective way to perform an artificial insemination on yourself or using a partner is to have the sperm donor masturbate in another room into a cup, which he will hand over immediately after ejaculation.
I’ve read of many accounts of women meeting strangers at coffee shops, talking for a bit before the man goes into the restroom, masturbates, and returns with a cup of his semen. The woman then takes the cup, goes into the woman’s restroom, and does her best to insert it inside of her using a syringe or cup.
Be truthful here. Do you really want to conceive your baby in the woman’s toilet of a coffee shop?
If a woman is willing to do all that for the sake of a child, then really it’s only a small step to go from a stranger masturbating in a cup in your hotel room and handing it to to just having sex with him to achieve the same result, but in a quicker and less dignified manner.
That’s why sexual intercourse as the deliver method can look very appealing to some once they realize all that’s involved in artificial insemination. Some women are more skillful at such things as using syringes and injecting the semen inside of them, while others are not. Sexual intercourse is very simple and almost foolproof in getting the semen inside of the woman exactly where it needs to be. The ease and simplicity of getting pregnant using Natural Insemination can be very appealing to many women wanting to become pregnant without all the fuss of what is entailed using artificial means.
But I understand that having sex with the donor can be absolutely unacceptable no matter what, which leaves using artificial means the only option (other than through a fertility clinic). Nevertheless, there are quite a few woman, including married women, who discover that perhaps having intercourse with the donor is the easiest and quickest way to conceiving a child.
From talking with many married woman, most aren’t doing it for sexual satisfaction. True, sex is a pleasurable activity and most will tell me that if they are going to do the deed then why not enjoy it? However nice it might feel, that is secondary to them and were it not for wanting a baby, they would never ever consider having sex with a man other than spouse. It certainly involves compartmentalizing the entire event as a coping mechanism, so that when it’s over with it can be filed away and their lives return back to normal.
The desire to have children and the pain when that can’t happen is very real and can cause a deep depression that is hard to snap someone out of. I see it in my own love of my life as her depression grows. Her biggest regret is waiting so long before trying and listening to her ex-husband when he wanted to put off having children when they were younger.
Anyway, I hope for a happy outcome and that in a year or so I can happily report to the group that we are the parents of a healthy baby.